Here’s a reminder, first and foremost to myself, and to anyone I happen to reach. I I’ll zoom it, bold it, box it in case it is somehow not clear enough:
Too much? Too much! Ok.
Treat ourselves like someone we are responsible for helping.
What does that mean? Meaning to still propel ourselves forward, but do that in a gentle manner, like we would if we were to help a depressed friend.
I have experienced this first hand (again) in the last couple of days. Yes, it’s holiday time. I plan to do many things during this: composing a lot of music, write a lot for 8 hours a day, so effectively trying out the self-employed life style. I even 3 more days off work so in addition to the 2 days holiday and the weekends, I have a full week off.
Good news, I did some work. Bad news, I did some work. Most of the time went into sleeping or random porn website. Shit, did I mention I’m not an angel and that this blog involves crude humor? Moving on.
I don’t feel particularly great about my working hours during the first two days. So what did I do? I beat myself up, not physically, worse, mentally! I called myself names and spoke in a tone that would never be tolerated by any humanly social standard. What’s the result? I feel terrible. I don’t feel like doing more work in the following days and even wasted more time. So I beat myself up again at the end of those days. I see myself as a failure who cannot achieve what I plan to do. I doubt if I can continue my path toward doing what I love. And since I cannot set my own life straight, how could I dare take care of people close to me?…
That was a dark paragraph. The cycle of hell continues during the holiday, getting worse and worse.
The only way to break out of this cycle is to stop beating myself up. Take a deep breath and just push the reset button for the next day. I should note that I wasted time, reflect on the reason I did that, and let it go.
It’s like in a meditation, when we notice a thought entering our mind, we should not feel bad, about the thought, but feel good about noticing it instead. We, then observe the thought, curiously, and let it dissolves itself.
So love ourselves, embrace ourselves, help ourselves. Yes, I knew all of this. But I still need to remind myself of this every so often. And I need to trigger these reminders more effectively during heated moments. I hope you know better than me now.