My Fear – A Curious Reflection

This is my thoughts, this is the thoughts that would help me be safe, I will embrace these fears, because they would help me become a more cautious person, to plan things more carefully, to be true to myself, don force anything. Fear is an important factor for a human. It helps keeping us away from danger. Some of the time, it can be quite primal and no longer apply to the today society. For example, if we get outcast by a group of people, we will not get left behind to be killed by some wild animals, or we can still get food because our food source is not independent on the group or small tribe that we live in.

It is worth analyzing nonetheless, so that I can understand, formalize into words what I fear, and have concrete plans.

Enough skirting around the subject.

Start

I fear that I will not make it in the business world. The word making it kinda stuck to me from Ari’s book. But as he points out, making it means differently for different people. So what does making it means to me.

Deep inside, I want to make a living,I want to have cool friends, I want to show off to the people I know that have been doubting me that I can excel in the music environment.

But why do I need to show off? My parents only want the best for me anyway that’s why they pose hard situation for me, I don need to prove anything to them. The people who wouldn’t care about my career choice either way, like my roommate, he care about his paycheck and when he will get a girlfriend more than whatever I’m doing with my life. People who doesn’t care just doesn’t care, whether I make it or not. The people who cares about me will be with me whatever I will be, what ever situation that I find myself in. So I won need to prove that I had made anything to them.

Am I trying to prove it to myself, then? Why do Ii need to prove it to myself. Is it because I think that I don have any value. Is it because I think that I couldn’t follow the more technical career, I am somehow worth less?, or even worthless?

Of course not! I know that I choose to do this because (this being a music career) because I love music, love using music to tell stories, I move to tears so easily listening to great music that emotionally touches me, I swoon before great human emotions, I swoon before beauty. That is the reason I want to go into a music career. I learn the language of music so that I can use it to express myself.

Now, is it not enough to express myself through other mediums? like writing, as I’m doing now? Or talking, giving a speech, like I have been doing in Toastmasters? I think music can say things that words cannot describe, music is a thing that all humans can somewhat understands, in contrast to not understanding anything when listening to a foreign language. Music can enhance the experience of reading or listening to a speech, can bring the emotions to a higher level.

Ok, so that is the decision that made me come to and stick with music. I want to express myself and can express myself in this way.

Come back to the question of making it. Making it means that I can afford a living to continue doing what I love, music. I need to make music work as a living source for me. I’m afraid I will not be able to make that. But that’s just silly. I can always come back to my parents house. Living in Vietnam only costs $500/month. I still have that fear that I couldn’t even make $500 a month. what will I do? That just means that I have to try my absolute best. Do or die. What’s the worst thing that could happen? I die? Well, I would die even if I have the best case scenario anyway. That actually lifted my spirit.

Interesting how that works. Next time I feel anything remote to self doubt, I should remind myself that nothing actually matters, remind myself of my mortality in this funny life, and that I can do whatever pleases me. As of right now, I know I will enjoy music, or the greater beauty until the day I die.

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